Late Night Confessions

As a confused girl once wrote many years ago, ďis there life without feeling, please God, take it awayĒ.

I really feel like no one understands the saddness in my heart. I think perhaps I am better off alone. Yet when Iím alone I am trapped inside myself. I donít write this as a pity party for myself, but as a way to hopefully understand the workings of my mind and maybe to be of comfort to others who feel like me. There isnít one person in my life I havenít doubted loved me, not even my mother. I used to pray that I was adopted, so there was hope I would find a family out there who secretly loved me. I canít even begin to tell you how many times I prayed to die. I was hoping God would do the hard part as I am way too afraid to inflict pain on myself. My siblings say they love me, and some times I believe them, but most of the time they are saying how awful I am. My mother is the master of backhanded compliments, and although she claims she loves me, her words cut me to the core. Even 900 miles away she can set me on my knees with one word. I wonder sometimes if anyone has ever loved me at all. I wonder what people really think of me; what my family says about me behind my back. I could care less about a few of them, namely my brother-in-law, but most of them I would die for (if it was necessary and I didnít have to break a nail doing it). See, shallow! But do they even care if I am here? Does it matter that I go out of my way to be a part of their lives? Most of them wouldnít do it for me, so do they think I am crazy for trying? Half the time I canít tell if they are truly happy to see me or annoyed I showed up again and made them look bad. I am like a running joke, and it gets old. No, I am not getting soft, I can take as much as I dish out. I am not looking for anyone to worship me cause Iím better than them or cause I ran off to live in Ohio. I just want to feel like I belong. And Iíve I never felt that, not even in my own family. Iím sure it is my own fault, but it doesnít make it any easier or less lonely. How do you fit in when you donít even know yourself? And for that matter, how do you figure out who you are and where you are going? Talk about mid-life crisis! I guess I do EVERYTHING early! Ok, Iíll stop with the depressing stuff now. There is enough heartache and sorrow in the world without me adding my own personal ďtragedyĒ. That word is used incorrectly more times than ironic. Why, isnít that ironic? WellÖNot so much. Iíll pause for a moment whilst you page through your dictionaries. Everyone up to date? Very well, now off to bed. You have kept me up far too late already and I am headed to Auburn tomorrow for tailgating and fun with Weezie. Jarrod however will be having much more fun in Tuscaloosa as a certain senior was invited there as a guest of Mike Shula! ROLL TIDE! Sorry, Brandon, but youíll never get a ďwar eagleĒ out of me even ON game day IN Auburn. I am a Bama girl all the way.!

One Response to “Late Night Confessions”

  1. Weezie Says:

    ROLL TIDE ROLL!!! I “heart” Mike Shula!!!