Are you sure you want to know?

So I keep hearing I haven’t written for a while. Sure I have my excuses, I was in Alabama for a week and a half, it is the holidays, blah, blah, blah, but truth be told, I don’t have much to write about. My mother makes me insane, so much so I would eat a bullet if I wasn’t afraid of the consequences. My husband is an ass and I am so sick of him I could scream, but I have no where else to go, so here I sit, pissed again and really wishing I hadn’t joined AA. How’s that for a holiday pick me up? Does that make anyone feel better or more like hearing from me? I think not. Yet my pity party is so futile, no one cares if I am miserable, they are all waiting for me to say I am ok again and go on. So crisis averted; misery quashed. Now you can all go on your merry way without guilt or remorse. I will try to turn my attention towards the real reason for the season, and focus on helping others in this week before our Savior’s birth and perhaps in turn I will cheer myself up as well. I can never know true misery, I have eaten tonight and I am warm and safe in my home. I have much to be thankful for, even though it seems hard to remember at times.

Tonight we were getting down the decorations out of the attic and silly me; I thought I would fix up the house “real pretty” (that’s redneck for decorate) this year. Only bad things have happened the past few Christmases, so I thought I would embrace something good this year. My nephew Jarrod had briefly considered coming back here with me and returning home in time for Christmas, so I thought my holiday plans would be unnecessary. Things didn’t work out for the trip, so I decided to scramble and put things together after all. I had asked Taine to put the tree together while I was away because he is too cheap to shell out for a real one. He said he would, but he worked overtime last weekend and didn’t get to it. No big deal, I thought I would just take care of it myself, but he wouldn’t even get the damn thing down off the overhead shelf in the garage! He did come upstairs to help me bring things down from the attic, but all he did was act like a jerk and bitch about the quantity of decorations. So I say fuck it! Why make merry for an ungrateful bastard? If I had a choice I would take all of his presents back and tell him to kiss my ass. Unfortunately, that would probably just make him happy because it would cost less and then he wouldn’t have to get me anything. He really puts the romance in marriage.

Anyway, the icing on the cake was finding something I had been looking for but didn’t expect to find amongst the Christmas cards from last year. It was the last letter Fr. Michael wrote to me. Nothing special, he was trying to find the words to help me just like I had tried to find the words to help him. I was already so pissed and hurt I could have punched a hole in the wall then I read that and felt like I got kicked in the gut. I think it was a sign of what I don’t know. At least Taine is leaving tomorrow. I don’t even feel like dealing with him. He always has to make it seem like I am the crazy one and he is just trying to please me. Let me tell you if he were trying, I’d be pleased. He thinks he can do whatever he feels like as long as he says he is sorry. It is always the same pathetic apology. As it turns out, he must be right because I haven’t left him. He has this uncanny knack for just moving on and pretending the problem (no matter what it is) never existed. Perhaps that is why we are often stuck having the same argument. He denies there is a problem, changes the subject and then goes about his business until I can’t stand it anymore. I think we are the worst married couple ever, but apparently we are meant for each other, or stuck with each other depending on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. Ok, I am going to shut up now before I totally suck all the holiday fun out of your lives, one miserable scrooge is enough for this year. Bah…

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