This One Is For Taine

So, I promised you something incredibly snarky and witty based on my recent vacation. Seeing as how I am on the road again, I figured I had better hurry the hell up before you all gave up on me. I picked our destination this year and I was beginning to think I had lost my mind by choosing it. I am definitely not book smart and though I wasn’t one of the cool kids in school, I also wasn’t one of the painfully dorky. I would tell you my husband was, but he grew up in another time and place, so he seems to have been more revered for his oddities than ridiculed. Let’s just say he would have gotten his ass kicked at my school. OK, either that or he would have been so painfully rich and snobby he would never have deigned to speak with me. Oh, nevermind, back to vacation-I chose to go the history route complete with Jamestowne, Yorktown and Colonial Williamsburg. Apparently these three stops are a rite of passage of sorts I somehow missed out on. I do remember making merciless fun of a girl in my class who spent a summer as a reenactor there. I was an ass, what can I say besides she had it coming? I mean, honestly, her family had a Christmas wreath on the grill of their Volvo! Anyway, this year I dorked out in favor of learning and to beat the crowds for Jamestowne’s 400th anniversary next year. Ultimately we had loads of fun on our trip and like most vacations, it simply wasn’t long enough to do all of the things we could have, but we got to do most of it. Besides, I know the score; I will be back in 10 years with my rugrats. In addition to history I did learn a few things on this trip: stereotypes are everywhere, you can be Amish and redneck at the same time, and most importantly I have discovered the tell tell way of ascertaining who is a redneck and who is not (well as long as the redneck is not a mute).

First, stereotypes-female park rangers are nerdy, intellectually stuck-up, card carrying flannel loving lesbians. Sadly, I am going to have to go with true on this one. I am sure others have seen evidence to the contrary, but in my limited experience, I’ve gotta go with true. And yes, I do actually personally know one female park ranger and she is too.

Next, the Amish-I’m just askin’ but why the hell would an Amish family want to pay to see Williamsburg? THEY STILL LIVE LIKE THAT! What is the big deal to an Amish family? They can’t possibly get all excited by the horse and buggy, the folks living off the land, and the people who make their own clothes. Um, hello? As for the definitive way to ascertain if one is a redneck, you need merely to entertain the following question when you hear them speak: Do they sound as if they ate opossum for breakfast? If the answer is yes or even a slight hesitation in response, then you have discovered a genuine redneck. If he happens to also be Amish and in Colonial Williamsburg, you’ve discovered a true anomaly.

OK, so this is not nearly as funny as it probably ought to have been, but I am sitting in the guestroom of a cloistered convent where I have been in complete silence for the last several hours. It is hard to be snarky this close to goodness and God. And as for being humorous, it is so quiet here, I am laughing at shadows on the wall, so cut me some slack. I even forgot to bring my favorite DVD. I ended up just bringing the case because I am an idiot. So until next time…Cheers!

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