Cursed Missed Opportunities

March 15th, 2006 3:31pm

Ok, it is my turn to be cryptic and for the record, this post rocked both in my head at church and in line at Target. Have you ever been in the know on both sides of an awkward situation? I’m talking real life, not television here folks. Of course you already know your own side of what made the moment weird, but then something happens and you find out the other side. This has happened to me on several occasions with the same person but in regards to different events. It is amazing we are still friends. I am not sure we still would be except we know so much about each other’s lives. In all of these situations I consider unfortunate, there is an air a regret surrounding them. I for one am truly glad none of these alleged moments progressed forward anywhere other than inside the mind of a slightly demented friend. I have the feeling I would have frozen in place and simply died as a result of the transgression. In fact, not to be cruel but I actually cringe just thinking about it, and honestly it makes me want to throw up a little. I just could never even imagine going there and I am surprised we are not on the same page about this. I am not sure how to make this any clearer and for those who have deciphered my code any more cryptic. I would have died literally and figurative if any of these supposed opportunities had come to fruition. Friendship over, funeral commencing. Please don’t think of me as the one that got away. I am the one who simply never ever could be.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest… Apparently it is not just local access channels, but Univision and the Spanish equivalent of the Jerry Springer Show also merit a peek from my television loving eyes. I am trying people! Yesterday, my husband called me lazy. I guess I can’t dispute the charge especially considering I have long insisted he is not romantic. He ardently maintains he is, but I conclude if you are perceived as not being romantic by definition you are not romantic. Therefore I suppose if I require him to follow that logic, I must also be lazy because I am perceived as such. It doesn’t seem quite fair though. The argument seemed so much more relevant when we weren’t talking about me. At any rate, it hurt my feelings, and I am surprised. I have long thought of myself as lazy though I don’t feel lazy. I seem to constantly be busy doing something. Perhaps they are just the wrong things or at the very least not the most important things. Suddenly I was jarred by the nagging voice in my head. The one that reminds me several of my family members consider me a joke and revel in my failures. I have never understood why although perhaps it is own fault, a curse I put on myself. I do say some really stupid things and often at all the wrong times, I did dye my hair blonde and deny my intelligence for a while. But it hurt, almost as bad as when I was presented with a t-shirt referring to me as a “dumb blonde”. I guess I knew I was perceived that way, but until you see it in writing it is not the same. Until your best friend calls you lazy, I guess somehow it isn’t true. All of the sudden the voice in my head said “he thinks you are a joke too” and it felt like a knife in my heart. I am sure it was nothing, but the voice in my head often betrays me, it convinces me I have no one, and it becomes harder and harder to fight. Sorry, I just realized I am seriously bringing down this post and it is no longer “rockin’ like Dokken” as it was in my head. Alas for the record, it is sunny today, I have no female issues, and I am not pregnant, so no excuses for my melancholy. Sometimes I just don’t know where my mind goes. So skip ahead Reverend…

After watching Nightly News last night (which is apparently several weeks behind and the Christian Science Monitor), I have to touch on the so-called Peach war going on between my redneck brethren in Alabama and Georgia. Apparently some bored member of state legislature in this case, Jimmy Martin, (D-Chilton Co.) decided to introduce legislation to designate the peach as the state fruit of Alabama. Then he did a little good faith redneck ribbing of Georgia peaches and their taste and color claiming Chilton Co peaches look and taste better and that Alabama farmers often ship some of their delicious crop to Georgia. Not to be outdone Georgia farmers fired back saying they have the best peaches and they are tastier and juicier. Well my, my boys it seems as if South Carolina out produces you both and California provides most of the country with peaches. But truth be told, I love peaches and I have enjoyed them from farms all over this great land even those grown here in northeastern Ohio, but none have ever tasted as sweet and juicy and delicious as those I purchased on a mountain top in Virginia. They made my trip to Monticello even more memorable, and I have actually considered driving all the way back to that mountain for just one more taste. I have been to Chilton County and I have tasted hundreds of peaches but none will ever beat those sweet Virginia nectars. So have your war. You can both consider yourself the peach state if it makes you feel better. The rest of America cares little about your nickname or your state fruit, we just want good peaches. So call it what you will and pony up. The truth is the pudding, let the tasters decide. And while you are arguing, I distinctly heard a motion from a representative (in this case a journalist from the Montgomery Advertiser) to have the state nut officially changed from the pecan to Jimmy Martin. All in favor…

Since I am on agricultural wars, I have to address a local tiff being played out in Amish country. This poor guy with 10 kids and farm to keep up who was just minding his own business trying to feed his family was tricked by a seemingly well meaning uncover officer from the department of agriculture. You see this fellow sells milk, raw milk to those who come to his farm and ask for it. He accepted 2 dollars as a donation in return for the milk. The problem, he took that donation from the undercover officer. Now I see why he can’t sell his milk at a local grocery store under the guise of federally regulated milk, but why can’t he sell it as is to those who choose to drink it that way? If you go to a farm and get fresh milk I would think it is pretty clear it has not been pasteurized. So be it. People in Amish county drink from wells and eat fresh eggs as well, there is nothing wrong with that. I think it is complete bullshit they tricked this man then took away his milk license. Who cares? Leave him and his neighbors alone! Get a life and start inspecting grocery stores selling outdated meat and dairy products. I have actually seen yogurt that was a month past its sell by date in my local store. Where are the inspectors then? Harassing the Amish apparently. “Free Willy” or something, we need a battle cry! Stop picking the Amish is too wordy and sounds lame. Well, I will think of something. Until then…Cheers! Oh, and don’t forget Veronica tonight!!!

Keeping You Informed

March 14th, 2006 2:17pm

You know I post this stuff as an open book to keep all my friends and family (and I guess a few random voyeurs as well) informed of what I am doing. Yet almost daily someone e-mails me and wants to know what I am up to. Don’t get me wrong, I love you guys and I appreciate your e-mails, but I am really not that interesting. This is what I am up to.

Don’t you hate when you are driving around and you think of the perfect post, an incredibly witty comeback, the world’s greatest song, the poem to end all poems, the movie idea of the century, the cure for cancer, and then you get home and you can’t remember a damn thing about it. This happens to me all of the time, but at incredibly inappropriate and inconvenient times. You know like at church, while I am driving, in the shower, on the phone, just about to fall asleep, while other people are talking to me, at 3 am basically every random moment you can think of. Try as I might, I can never recreate the magic that was once in my head. Take today for example. I started this great post in my head, but I forced myself to stop and wait until I got in front of the computer. Now all I have is a lame punchline and a bunch of ramblings. I give up; I surrender to my subconscious which by the way bestowed on me an incredible dream the other night. It was sexy and amazing, free of James or any other old school mates (well, maybe 1 but I dumped him), took place in New York at Christmastime and is utterly unrecreatable. I know that isn’t even a word, but I tried to dream it again and there’s just no magic in the second time around. Alas even my dreams about Logan have become commonplace and boring. Which can only mean one thing, we need some new Veronica Mars post haste.

I discovered something about myself this morning. I am the saddest television addict in the world. Some of you may know I gave up daytime TV as part of my Lenten sacrifice. At first it was going to be just soap operas, but then I decided to really bite the bullet and do what someone on another message board had done a few years ago. She gave up all TV until 6pm. I thought, hey I can do that. The only thing I didn’t give up is exercise videos. Technically, you watch them on TV, but I can’t fulfill my Lenten promise to lose weight without them. Don’t judge me. Anyway, the TV in our room acts up on channel 3, so yesterday I had to do my entire workout with out the picture. Today I decided to turn on the local access channel for Cleveland Hts and mute it while I got dressed to allow the TV more time to warm up. Do you know I actually caught myself peeking? For heaven sake it is a site filled with lame community announcements. I have a problem. Ok, that is not the worst of it. After I finished my workout, the tape was rewinding and I forgot to shut the TV off before I hit stop. Take a guess at what was on. I will give you a hint: the star of my all time favorite movie; my Achilles’ heel…..Give up? Then you don’t know me that well. It was Macaulay Culkin. Cosmic timing, heaven’s reward, the devil’s temptation? I’m not sure, but I caved. I tried to busy myself about the room and just listen as if it were on radio even though I know it was a moment of weakness. To make matters worse, he was on The View. A show I have only seen once in the waiting room of the Toyota dealership and vowed never to have to sit through again. Each stupid question they asked him had me more intrigued. He really handled himself well, especially when they started asking him about Michael Jackson like he is supposed to know what went wrong there. I know we are all curious, but just because Mac talks to him a couple of times a year it doesn’t mean he can answer a question no one, even Michael seems to be able to understand. Anyway, he was polite and simply told him he wasn’t Michael Jackson’s ambassador; he does think some of his choices are bizarre and unfortunate, but it is not up to him to decide. He also reiterated that he was not molested by Michael and testified on his behalf because he doesn’t think Michael molested the boys in question. He also indicated he felt the accusing family was dangerous and Michael was a fool not to pick up on that and should never have let them in his life so personally. Perhaps the ladies of The View should have scheduled the interview with Michael Jackson’s publicist instead of ganging up on Mac when he was there to promote his non-MJ related book. At any rate, I wish Mac would get more interviews, more movies and more press that doesn’t focus on his childhood or his friends and family, but a girl can’t have everything she wants I suppose.

Lastly, I have to mention something truly sinister that baffles me. Locally there is a man charged with raping and murdering his 7 month old niece. I am not even sure what that means or how one rapes an infant, but how sick do you have to be? What the hell is wrong with this guy? Allegedly. Now he has changed his story to indicate the infant stopped breathing while he was changing her diaper and he attempted to give her CPR. Unfortunately he didn’t know CPR on an infant is different than on an adult. Well, I am no doctor, but I have taken CPR classes and received certification, and I am pretty sure none of the techniques involves the vagina, so either he was or was not raping her. I don’t see the middle ground. Again I am not privy to all the facts in the case, but I can’t see the prosecutor alleging this type of horrible crime if there was not evidence of rape, so what the hell? Where is this story coming from and why are his sisters on the news every five minutes saying he is just bad at CPR? Um, hello….is this thing on? Your brother killed your niece under some pretty suspicious circumstances that are not entirely CPR related. Open your eyes and get this man some help.

Ok, breathe. That’s it for today. So until next time…Cheers!

Even Cowgirls Get The Blues

March 13th, 2006 5:32pm

As most of you know, I have a teensy weensy problem with depression. Although this serves as a public journal of my private thoughts and opinions, I do take into consideration (usually) my readers. I can’t bear to be remembered by the thoughts I have in my darkest hours. Many of you often remark about the dry spells I have in writing, sometimes I am simply too busy, but often I am also trying to spare you the woe is me, nobody loves me tirades. I experience all of the same feelings of desperation and inadequacy most of you feel, but often it is coupled with dark thoughts, not just of self doubt but also painful doubts about those around me. Perhaps in these instances my silences are golden. At least I can vouch for the research indicating these conditions are made worse by the short days of winter and lack of sunlight for I certainly experience these spells more frequently during these trying months. Now that spring is fast approaching, there is a new hope in the air. I will try to do better from now on. Hey, all you really missed is my ardent desire to have a 19th century British lover. But now that I have thought about it and considered the lack of proper oral hygiene, indoor plumbing and most importantly showers, I have reconsidered the idea altogether. Not to mention there was no TV, no electricity, and no internet, I could have been bored to death.

So, Matty started his fancy new job today. Props go out to him even though apparently he is no longer speaking to me. Taine and I are making plans for the annual USITT conference this year it takes place in Louisville, KY. I have no idea what I am going to do there, but the hotel has a weight room and I will have the car plus it has got to be warmer than here. Any ideas or suggestions are greatly appreciated, drop me a line or comment here. Personally I want to go to Nashville to see Nashville Star live. I love Wynonna (and Cowboy Troy is alright I guess) plus NS is way better than that steaming pile of crap aka American Idol.

While I am randomly escorting you through the trappings of my brain, let me catch you up on a few interesting Ohio tidbits I have learned over the past couple of weeks. In the state of Ohio, you can be sited for DUI 10, 11, 12 heck even 13 times and as long as you don’t kill anyone, oh well. There is no jail time, no confiscation of your vehicle, no mandatory detox, just a fine and loosely enforced points on your license/revocation policy. Try driving away from a gas station without paying for your tank of gas. That is immediate forfeiture of your license and up to 1 year in prison. So bottom line: drive drunk until you kill someone, but for the love of god pay for your gasoline. Another interesting tidbit, the city council of a nearby town is considering passing local legislation (city ordinance) limiting the number of vicious animals one owner can have. Ok, I will wait while you reread that sentence………….That is right, I said limiting not outlawing. At present there is no law limiting the number of animals who have attacked people (not just those who are a potential threat to attack like random pit bull laws etc.), so city council passed an ordinance limiting all residents to owning just one vicious animal each. I don’t know about you folks, but where I’m from, you shoot an animal if it is attacking you, you don’t give its owner a license to keep it. Now I know this is probably a stretch, but say someone already owns 2 dogs that have attacked others in the past. What the hell are they supposed to do with the other dog now that this law is in effect? I know shoot it, but seriously. I guess as long as the owner is married, no problem. The law doesn’t specify one per household just one per person which is a Jeff Foxworthy joke waiting to happen. Well, that concludes our “stupid Ohio laws” portion of today’s installment. Tune in next time when we discuss High School Hijinx: When Pranks Go Bad or Wait a Minute, Am I Driving Wonder Woman’s Car: The Invisible Road Warrior’s Guide to Public Safety. Until then, this has been Aimee Gilliam for Live ACTION News now with a Super Doppler 5000 Weather Pen tracking the storms you want to know about, when you want to know about them, right down to your neighborhood.

Ok, so enough about that crap, I’m trumping Carol and discussing last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. In a nutshell, I found it boring. I know blasphemy, but before you berate me, just listen. First I have to say, poor Teddy Dunn. He was more interesting in the 10 minutes of screen time he had last night than the entire year and a half long run he got on Veronica Mars. Unfortunately, he was once again playing an idiot and I am not completely convinced he is a better actor than he gets credit for, but it was nice to see him in a role where he wasn’t brooding and somber. Second Natalie Cole is 56!? “Damn, I repeat, damn”. Third, Meredith is right, it takes two to tango George has some owning up to do. However, Meredith is wrong and this just friends thing with McDreamy is cheap and it is going to blow up in her face. I know they both just want to be in each other’s lives, but that is the problem; they both want to be in each other’s lives. That attitude certainly isn’t good for Meredith in her emotional state and it damn sure isn’t going to fix Derek’s marriage. But I do hope all you men and women were listening to the lesson being drilled into us. Pay attention in your marriage. Be vigilant in asking and listening to your partner’s feelings. And cherish each other because break ups are 50/50, but knowing that won’t buy you back any time with the one you love. Lastly, we get it; Cristina has no maternal instinct; she is not loving at least not in the touchy feely sort of way. She is the polar opposite of Burke and that is why they work. Stop beating us over the head with it, or she will become a caricature instead of a complex and hysterical character. Ok, I lied, one last thing. Am I the only one who thought, oh poor Felicity when George cut off all his hair? I think she got a bum rap, but it was nice to see a man shedding his locks for once and it helped explain why T.R. Knight has been hiding his haircut lately. Personally I like it longer, but much like Felicity, I will see the emotional reasoning for the choice and get over it. You won’t find any boycotts over hair on my account. That’s all for now. Until next time…Cheers!

Random Household Hint: If you get diarrhea, it is a good idea to reach for the pink stuff; however, if you are painting your house, just say NO.

Lame Storylines, Lame Country Music, and Other Random Wonderings…

March 6th, 2006 4:15pm

Since when is Bon Jovi country?  I guess since they became BFF with Sugarland, but it annoys me greatly.  I hate that song they are playing to death right now!

Why, when I was watching Days of Our Lives last week on my lunch break did I feel this sense of deja vu when I saw Bo running through the airport trying to stop Hope from leaving?  I swear, didn’t we see that with Bo & Billie when it was Robert Kelker Kelly and Lisa Rinna?  I’m just sayin’…that show is so played out and I cannot remember the last original storyline they had.  Wouldn’t it be novel if Mimi actually told Shaun that Clare is his rather than doing the usual soap opera bit of keeping it a secret that she goes on and on and on about in her head until finally, what seems like a million years from now when the baby has rapidly aged 15 years and Shaun and Belle’s child is now the same age as they are and he figures it out and hates her for not telling him?  Don’t even get me started on the fact that Shaun and Belle aren’t the same age either…that’s a whole other rant…I’m just sayin’…

My post sounds mean and crabby, though I don’t mean for it to.  These are just some things I’ve been wondering about lately…

My biggest question is this:  Why are boys the way they are?  Why is it that when a girl likes a boy and he likes her, then he suddenly decides he doesn’t like her anymore, instead of staying the hell away from the girl, he pops up out of nowhere to torture her?  I mean, how many times have you been in that position where you liked a boy more than he liked you, then he ditched you, then just when you’ve finally gotten to that point where you are over him, he comes back into your life AND to make matters worse, he flirts with you, though he knows he has no intention of having it go anywhere?  What is that about?  Is it some sick ego stroke?  I guess if we girls would force ourselves not to take the bait–even though we super want to–then the boys wouldn’t get the satisfaction of just messing with us because they can.  Seriously, I just wish a boy would explain that to me.  I’ve asked my husband, but his answer did not make sense to me, which itself would make sense considering the fact that girls don’t get boys and boys DEFINITELY don’t get girls…seriously…I just don’t get it…

Finally, I’d love to comment on how boring the Oscars were because they were, but–well, actually, that pretty much covers it right there.  They were boring.  But, I’m super stoked that Reese Witherspoon won! 

Seriously, thank God Grey’s is back next week!

“I’m Public Speaking, Stop Public Interrupting!”

March 5th, 2006 11:11pm

I have a lot to talk about today because I have been oh so out of touch lately. Our hard drive is fried, so I had to break out my trusty laptop to upload this. I am so tempted to make fun of the Oscars as they play out over my shoulder especially since Selma Hayek just referred to someone as an Oscar “weiner”, but alas, I have a list of topics as long as my arm to get to, so no dice. Get ready, I don’t call this site Random Thoughts for nothin’.

First off I must confess, I watch commercials, not because I want to, but because I have to. I haven’t gotten into the whole TiVo craze and I primarily watch my favorite shows live including the oh so awful ads. Some of the fan groups I belong to actually keep lists of the shows’ advertisers to encourage members to patronize those responsible for keeping our favorites on the air. At any rate, I have to give props to a few of my favorites. At present, I am loving the Ice Breakers commercial. In spite of featuring the Duff sisters, it manages to catch my attention by busting out Joey err Joseph Lawrence and his famous Blossom tag line, “Whoa!”. If that one doesn’t tickle your fancy, perhaps I can jiggle your maternal instinct or at least the kid in you with Walt Disney World’s newest offering featuring the cutest little boy giggling, “We’re too excited to sleep”. In keeping with my general life theme of never being satisfied, I guess I should balance out the cosmos by jeering a few of the worst offerings. If you had asked me a year ago if the words “what the hell happened to Jared” would ever cross my lips, you would have recieved a firm “no”. Unfortunately, I uttered those very words in response to Subway’s sandwich toppings auditions spot airing lately. Apparently they thought Burger King’s lame ass Super Bowl ad was fantastic and decided to clone it. Ring, ring…clue phone…they both suck, or in the words of Dennis Haysbert from SNL last night, they are a “steaming bowl of elephant piss”. As crappy ads go, you can’t beat Crest White Strips’ current installment featuring this flighty bitch asking us to guess her age by giving us stupid ass clues like whether or not she saw Cher in concert alone or with Sonny. The icing on the proverbial cake is her asking us if we think she had a crush on TV star Ralph Macchio. Um, last time I checked he was best known as the Karate Kid which is a MOVIE not a fucking TV show. Go back a little farther and you probably can remember him from The Outsiders, but again it is a MOVIE! Just sayin’. The absolute worst offering however goes to our friends at Cialis. Not only have the named the infrequent side effect of 4 hour erections, they have also managed to list delayed back pain as a medicinal side effect as well. Um actually, that is nature’s way of telling your old ass there are some things you shouldn’t be doing, or at least not whining about. I mean what out of shape over 25 year old doesn’t experience delayed back pain as a result of intercourse? Again, just sayin’. If that wasn’t enough, their newest ad features a pair of grandparents holding hands and heading upstairs to get busy when suddenly, ding dong, grandkids calling. The voiceover assures us Cialis last up to 36 hours so Grandpa can hang on to his boner until the grandkids are safely back at home and he finally gets that precious alone time with Grandma. Here’s hoping that 4 hour erection side effect doesn’t apply in this case or there are going to be a lot of questions from the kids on the swingset.

Ok, totally OTS, but Paula Abdul flies Southwest? WTF?

How’s that for a segue? Actually I think I am going to throw in the towel for tonight. Weezie interrupted my train of thought and distracted me for with laughs for at least a half an hour. We had to do something; the Oscars were boring us silly, at least they are almost over. Reese won, so all is right in my world. Grey’s will be back on next week. Besides, what fun is playing all of your cards at once? A good writer always leaves his audience wanting more. So until tomorrow…

1993 was so cool…

February 24th, 2006 5:35pm

So, I was just looking at the pictures of us crazy girls on this website, and I realized that there is one picture of Aimee and me where we have some seriously big hair.  To those of you who don’t know, the picture was taken the night of my eighth grade graduation and Aimee came over to my house beforehand to fix my hair.  This explains why we have the same hairdo.  Hey, we share a brain, why shouldn’t we share hairstyles?  Anyway, I don’t know why it suddenly struck me this time–I’ve looked at the pictures a million times, but it struck me as incredibly funny.  Cue my phone ringing, and guess who it is…that’s right, it’s Aimee.  She’s calling to tell me that the New Kids on the Block had been on the radio and she was rockin’ out to The Right Stuff.  Now, I know that “NKOTB” had stopped being cool by 1993, at least to us, but I thought it was appropriate that she should call me with this information as I’m reflecting on our big hair. 

So, I have been wanting to post on Grey’s all week, and have been so swamped at work. First of all, McSteamy who?

I’ve been reading peoples’ comments about the show this week; let me tell you, some people are so weird.  I cannot think of a better way to describe some of the comments I’ve read without being hateful, and I try not to be that way, so I’m going with “weird.”

Yes, it’s going to suck for poor, sweet, little George–NOT pervy, stalker, creepy George.  But, it’s also a good thing, even though it’s going to sting, because it will kill the fantasy so to speak.  Then, George can eventually move on instead of staying hung up on Meredith forever because everyone knows that she and McDreamy will have to get back together somewhere way down the line.  We know that can’t happen easily and it can’t happen quickly, or the show will be boring.  Can you say, “Who’s the Boss?” “The Nanny” and every other show that’s ever been on television where you thought you’d die before they hooked up the two people who belonged together?  Which reminds me that I’m sort of stoked that West Wing is going off because maybe now, finally, Josh and Donna can hook up!  Wow, that would make me so happy in the same way that Emilie was so happy when Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood got married.  But, I digress…also, you have to think about all that Meredith went through that day to lead her to make the decision to do something she’s going to regret later.  I’m not condoning her actions, but you have to think along the lines of TV world.  I totally understood why it was happening, but that didn’t mean I wanted it to.  I think my words to the television were, “Oh!  Don’t do it!  Don’t do it!  Don’t do it!” 

So, I have to back the folks at Grey’s for the way things played out.  It’s like one of those things when you have a friend or family member who is going to marry a complete jerk, but you can’t really say anything because you know they are going to do it regardless of what you say and if you say anything, they’ll get mad at you and then they still marry the jerk who now knows you think he’s a jerk and who doesn’t mind keeping your friend away from you.  As their friend or relative, you just have to prepare yourself to be there for them and support them whether things either work out or they don’t.  So, I will be pissed at Meredith with the rest of you, will understand why she did what she did with the rest of you, will feel sorry for George with the rest of you (unless you are one of the people who thinks he was sneaking into her bedroom all creepy style and taking advantage of a situation even though he was not privy to the information), and will watch and wait to see what happens next with the rest of you!  It’s a great ride, isn’t it?

I’m an ass, now let’s discuss why…

February 20th, 2006 1:50pm

Weezie and I have a deal; she gets to post on Grey’s because that’s her thing. I am sure we will be hearing from her a little later in regards to last night’s episode, but I am going to hold off on my comments until after she gets a chance to post. You know she is gainfully employed; I’m just doing housework. There is one thing I can’t hold off on however. After last night’s episode I am going to push my love of Happy Bunny aside. From now on instead of quoting, “Hey you just made me throw up a little”, I am going to have to go with “I think I going to McPuke”. Thanks George, you made my week again.
For those of you who know me, you know how surprisingly often that statement comes up in conversation, so it was nice of the folks at Grey’s to throw me a little age appropriate variety.

Speaking of age appropriate, you all know how much I love Zach Braff and Scrubs. When his movie Garden State came out, I recommended his blog to you. I don’t know how many of you took my advice, but Weezie did. This morning she emailed me because A) she’s got a job and let’s face it, she was up first B) Zach also has several jobs and doesn’t get to update his site very often, so when he does we try to get the word out C) this latest installment might make you pee a little in your pants. If you don’t adore this man, you should. He gives voice to the stupidest, sickest, most insanely inappropriate thoughts in your head and even better he makes you laugh. He is a genuinely nice guy who is completely over the top and still manages to make me feel that he shares in my insanity. Oh screw it, he is juvenile, over the top, and downright silly which makes him perfect in my book. So check him out if you want a laugh. As a bonus for those of you who read it, in my house our “newscasters” are otherwise known as either Natty Dumpos (for those with a love of literature) or Poopasaurus Rex (for those with a love of Ross). So now you are either laughing, disgusted, or trying to fiigure out what the fuck I’m talking about or maybe a little of all three. I told you to read it.

Now on to my Captain Negativity part of the post…Honestly, is there anyone outside of Michelle Kwan and the employees of NBC who gives a crap about the Olympics? How much longer until they are over? I can’t take it anymore even my soap operas were pre-empted. Repeats, no Veronica, no Earl, no Office, no Scrubs, just constant teasing with ads telling us we should be watching them. Yeah, I know, so hurry up already. I admit I have tuned in for a few things, but all kidding aside, it seems like a lot of America’s athletes really don’t care about being there. I am sure it is just the media over hyping things as usual. I have to laugh when they try to do interviews after some of the events. Half of the participants (assuming they speak English) don’t want to be bothered and blow them off, the other half are so amazed by their own wonderfulness and achievement that they hardly notice the questions, they are just going on and on about how great they are. Where is the sense of decorum? They should all be forced to take lessons from Apollo Anton Ohno who is well spoken in times of great achievement and in times of disappointment or failure. Why can’t people just say, “just this once, so and so was better than I”? Why does it always have to be because your lace broke or your hair was pulled too tight or the sun was shining or you had bad eggs for breakfast or you forgot your lucky charm? You hardly ever hear, “I tried my best, but today just wasn’t my day. So and so did a great job and I look forward to kicking her ass next time”. Instead it usually sounds like, ” I am the best athlete in the world. I amaze myself. Today the fates conspired against me and I had soggy pudding for dessert, so it was impossible for me to do my best and so at the last moment this inexperienced amateur took advantage of my misfortune and stole my rightful medal; therefore, I refuse to acknowledge defeat and will lessen my opponents achievements at every turn in an effort to make myself appear more talented than I actually am.” Here’s a thought, maybe fate is trying to something or in this case, Happy Bunny, “you suck and that’s sad”. For your next trick perhaps you could parlay your pathetic career into a job as a color commentator. Underachievers like you should ban together and point out the flaws in others as today’s athletes execute maneuvers you never even dreamed of accomplishing. I am so sick of hearing the stupid color commentary especially from Dick Button and Sandra Bezic. I am forced to mute their opinions or I might just have to board a plane, fly to Turin, and punch them right in the face. By the way in case you missed it, NBC clarified the Turin/Torino debate. Apparently, Dick Ebersol likes the way Torino rolls trippingly off the tongue, so we owe it all to him. And as my favorite, Bob Costas, so eloquently put it, “he signs my checks so Torino it is.”

At the risk of sounding mushy

February 14th, 2006 6:21pm

or melodramatic (a la “you complete me” from Jerry Maguire), in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I offer:

I have come to realize my husband gets a bad wrap. I call some of you up to complain about how awful he is and how much he pisses me off. When it is too late to call, I post my frustration here for all including him to read. My anger usually falls on deaf ears and if I hear anything at all, it is a lame excuse from him. What I never do is say how great he is 90% of the time. I spend all my time bitching about the most unbelievably annoying 10% of the time. The truth is, my husband is pretty reasonable and a genuinely nice guy. Sure he can be an insensitive ass, but have you met me? When I think about all the other men out there, especially some of the losers that have married into my family (present company excluded), I feel truly blessed. Girls are raised to believe in fairy tales and happily ever after and that is great, but even Cinderella gets pissy sometimes. Our parents just forget to tell us that part. We don’t like to think about it. So what if my husband has bought me some lousy presents? At least he tried. I get pissed when he doesn’t put any effort or thought into it. If he is honestly trying, I’m happy. He never forgets my birthday or our anniversary, even our first date. If I don’t feel well, he picks up dinner or orders in. Sometimes he will go get me something even when I know he doesn’t want to go out. He’s been out for a whim, a craving, medicine, even pizza when I was too cheap to pay for delivery. He takes me out to eat every weekend. He even complements my cooking during the week. He helps load and unload the dishwasher, and even does the dishes that have to be washed by hand. He does laundry on the weekends even though he works all week to pay for everything. I know he wishes I had a job, but he never yells at me for not landing one. He never complains that I am in Alabama almost as much as I am home. He calls me everyday when I am away. He only gets a little mad when I overspend and even though he doesn’t let me buy everything I want, he does his best to make sure I can get it especially if it is something I need. He is great at back rubs and even better at taking care of me. He pets my hair when I’m sick or will get me cool cloth when eyes are itching or I have a stomach ache. Basically I guess I am saying he does everything for me and I never say thank you where everyone can hear, so thanks and Happy Valentine’s Day to my very best friend.

My Coworkers are Missing Out

February 13th, 2006 6:23pm

So, I’ve been trying to get to this all day!  I had to post about the genius that is Grey’s Anatomy.  Seriously, I think last night’s episode was one of THE most worthwhile hours I’ve spent in front of the television EVER!  Coming from this couch potato, that’s huge! My crush on George just gets bigger and bigger every week!  And, Patrick Dempsey…oh, my goodness…Emilie, you don’t know what you are talking about!  That man is oh-so-pretty!  Anyway, if McDreamy does not kiss Meredith soon, it just might kill me!  He was supposed to come back through that door last night, grab her, and kiss her!!!  I went through such a range of emotions through that show last night–WOW!  Last week was so incredible, but last night was even better–I don’t know how they did it!!!

I’ve tried to see if any of my work friends watch it, and none of them do, and I feel sorry for them, really.  If you are not watching this show, you owe it to yourself to buy the very reasonably priced Season One DVD and get crackin’!  When I buy mine, I’m having a Grey’s Anatomy viewing party! 

Fulfilling Destiny

February 13th, 2006 3:17pm

Truly amazing news…I finished a project!!! That’s right, you heard me, for the first time since I made a latch hook duck in the 6th grade, I completed a craft project. Ok, I did make some handmade angel party favors for my parents’ 5oth wedding anniversary party, but other than that, I am pretty lacking in crafty talents. But, on Thursday, I actually finished a blanket. Technically, I started it in September. At first I was really confident; after all Emily’s little sister could do it, but then my mother convinced me it was all an elaborate math problem. I was intimidated and scared to fuck it up, so I set it aside and gave up. Then last week, I said to myself, “screw it, so what if it looks like crap, at least you can use it”. For the record, I used absolutely no math to complete it, unless you count a loosely followed ruler as a guide, but it turned out great. I love it and it is super warm.

Now to grant my Valentine a wish from last week… What the hell is up with stores these days? When I first moved here, you couldn’t even find a grocery store open past 10pm. They actually have a law in my old town preventing businesses from being open 24 hours. Seriously, we couldn’t have a Denny’s because it might draw out the criminal element or give drunk people and teenagers a place to congregate. To skirt the law, 24 hour establishments opened up on the border of Lakewood and Cleveland. You should have seen all the boring people dining in peace at 2am. The only crimes going down at that restaurant were fashion related or possibly regrettable food choices given the hour. Yet it took years for the grocery stores to catch on. Even today only a select few even claim to be open 24 hours. The problem you face is exactly which 24 hours they are referring to. You see our “24 hour” grocery store closes at 10pm on Sunday and opens up again at 7 am Monday. Really, cause last time I checked, that doesn’t constitute 24 hours. For the love of God, we don’t even have a Super Wal-mart. We get commercials for the closest one; it is over an hour away! Wal-mart considered opening a Supercenter here, but the mayor and the esteemed Dennis Kucinich managed to kill the deal to protect a corner grocery store no one in their right mind would quit shopping at just to go to an annoying Wal-mart.

The lack of stores and restaurants open round the clock may be a pain in my ass but the latest shopping trend actually goes on to insult my intelligence. Even a two year old should be able to define the notion of a “one day sale”. Apparently the brilliant minds behind current department store advertisements can’t grasp the concept. The biggest offenders seem to be under the May company umbrella, but I have seen ads for most big chains using some derivation of the concept. The ads all instruct you to hurry in and take advantage of this one day only chance to save. The problem is the sale lasts almost always some combination of the following: Friday and Saturday, Thursday through Sunday, all weekend, sneak preview Wednesday and Thursday sale starts Friday, etcetera etcetera. When last I looked at a calendar, none of those options constituted ONE DAY!!! Why is it necessary to incorrectly categorize it as a one day sale? Why can’t it just be a sale, a big sale, a giant sale, a weekend sale, the greatest sale in the history of all sales sale? I am sick and tired of being marketed to like I am a mindless lab rat. I do speak English, I can grasp concepts, I know how to count (even as high as 24) and most importantly, I know the days of the week and how many hours they are comprised of.

Lastly, I have to give a shout out to the phenomenal Grey’s Anatomy. Last night’s episode rocked. My only complaint, well two really, was they killed Kyle Chandler and rather stupidly I might add, and McDreamy never got naked, not even once!!! I love him; he is wicked hot. How the hell did Matthew McConaughey beat him for sexiest man alive? And how much do I love George? He is like the best friend ever!!! He has got to get some love, post haste. At least Bailey has a soft spot for him, too. Awesome, awesome show, but please Shodra give us more naked Derek! Oh, and be sure and get the season 1 DVD it is on sale this week for as low as $16.99. Seriously!