Random Thoughts

At the end of his show every Friday, Mister Rogers always said, we would go away for the weekend and have so many things to talk about when we returned on Monday. Although I didn’t technically “go away”, I was busy fighting stupidity all weekend, the morons at Wal-mart (the boycott is back on), the (sorry mom) shitty little kids on my street, the hair colorong fiasco I endured, and last but not least, my screaming lunatic neighbor. None of these things, however, prompted me to write today. What really got me out of bed and on the keyboard are those little punk squirrels wreaking havoc on my backyard.

Why aren’t we allowed to shoot them? They are nothing more than socially acceptable rats. Seriously, is it all about the tail? Just because they have a big bushy tail, that makes them ok? We torture rats, performing experiments on them, feeding them poison, or worse yet killing them in a trap, yet squirrels run free. Why is that?

I believe it is a conspiracy by the United States Government. I believe this country is overrun by a giant rodent problem and because there is nothing we can about it, the government indoctrinates us as children to like and accept them. I can recall being told to look at the “cute little squirrel”, but when it came to rats, we have to “kill all the disgusting little things”. Well, big things I am from Alabama. They have mutant rats running around down there, and opossums, another glorified rodent.

Have you ever seen one of these little beady-eyed monsters of the night? They are dreadful. Truly, seeing one on a dark street will give you nightmares for the rest of your life. Yet opossums show up in children’s books, you never hear about cute little friendly RATS! Could it be opossums are socially acceptable because rednecks eat them, squirrels, too? Rats are seldom eaten and if they are it is only out of sheer desperation.

Don’t think I am advocating we all cozy up to rats, no, no. I just wish we could all come to a clear understanding. Squirrels are disgusting, not cute, and it should be acceptable to use any means necessary to rid your yard of them and their little friends-chipmunks, opossums, and the giant flying socially acceptable rat, the pigeon.

The preceding message has been an expression of my true feelings regarding yard rodents; however no animals were injured in the writing of this blog. All squirrels etc. running free in my yard are and shall remain unharmed by me. If the neighbor cat wants to take matters into his own hands, don’t count on me to do anything to stop it, but don’t e-mail me with a bunch of PETA crap. I am not an animal hater; I simply speak the truth as I see it. Well, not the part about the governmental conspiracy, that part was a joke.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 26th, 2003 at 5:13 pm and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.