Random Thoughts

As a confused girl once wrote many years ago, “is there life without feeling, please God, take it away”.

I really feel like no one understands the saddness in my heart. I think perhaps I am better off alone. Yet when I’m alone I am trapped inside myself. I don’t write this as a pity party for myself, but as a way to hopefully understand the workings of my mind and maybe to be of comfort to others who feel like me. There isn’t one person in my life I haven’t doubted loved me, not even my mother. I used to pray that I was adopted, so there was hope I would find a family out there who secretly loved me. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I prayed to die. I was hoping God would do the hard part as I am way too afraid to inflict pain on myself. My siblings say they love me, and some times I believe them, but most of the time they are saying how awful I am. My mother is the master of backhanded compliments, and although she claims she loves me, her words cut me to the core. Even 900 miles away she can set me on my knees with one word. I wonder sometimes if anyone has ever loved me at all. I wonder what people really think of me; what my family says about me behind my back. I could care less about a few of them, namely my brother-in-law, but most of them I would die for (if it was necessary and I didn’t have to break a nail doing it). See, shallow! But do they even care if I am here? Does it matter that I go out of my way to be a part of their lives? Most of them wouldn’t do it for me, so do they think I am crazy for trying? Half the time I can’t tell if they are truly happy to see me or annoyed I showed up again and made them look bad. I am like a running joke, and it gets old. No, I am not getting soft, I can take as much as I dish out. I am not looking for anyone to worship me cause I’m better than them or cause I ran off to live in Ohio. I just want to feel like I belong. And I’ve I never felt that, not even in my own family. I’m sure it is my own fault, but it doesn’t make it any easier or less lonely. How do you fit in when you don’t even know yourself? And for that matter, how do you figure out who you are and where you are going? Talk about mid-life crisis! I guess I do EVERYTHING early! Ok, I’ll stop with the depressing stuff now. There is enough heartache and sorrow in the world without me adding my own personal “tragedy”. That word is used incorrectly more times than ironic. Why, isn’t that ironic? Well…Not so much. I’ll pause for a moment whilst you page through your dictionaries. Everyone up to date? Very well, now off to bed. You have kept me up far too late already and I am headed to Auburn tomorrow for tailgating and fun with Weezie. Jarrod however will be having much more fun in Tuscaloosa as a certain senior was invited there as a guest of Mike Shula! ROLL TIDE! Sorry, Brandon, but you’ll never get a “war eagle” out of me even ON game day IN Auburn. I am a Bama girl all the way.!

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 3rd, 2005 at 3:53 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.