Random Thoughts

I just got back from the grocery store and I actually ended up parked next to an early ’90s Ford Taurus Wagon with a tricked out rim job. Are you kidding me? We actually owned a similar hunk of crap a while back, though thankfully it wasn’t a wagon, and I can promise you no amount of accessories can improve it especially considering their’s had large rust holes in the doors. Damn road salt! The only good thing this car inspires are a few flashbacks to Veronica Mars. I know, enough already, but the best one involves Beaver getting all the love and “Dick’s flapping in the breeze”. How that made it past Standards and Practices is beyond me. If I read one more message board entry on why Dick’s name isn’t Wally, I swear. “Clue in Donut”!

Anyway, I have to quit smoking, again. I would blame Weezie, but how can you blame someone who started crisis smoking after a friend’s suicide and her brother’s near death? I tried to resist, but I confess I actually feel better when I am smoking. Perhaps it is like a security blanket, but I think it has more to do with breathing. I think sometimes we forget to breathe and smoking really makes you take long intentional soothing breaths. Admittedly, there is some hacking and bad breath involved, but it is calming, and apparently grounds for divorce. Ok, my husband never actually threatened to divorce me over it, but let’s just say he is really unhappy about it even though I smoked when we met. I also drank a LOT and was blonde, so it is like being married to a stranger. He seems to like the boring me better even if “I never grew up”. But I digress…must stop smoking…

*UPDATE* It occurs to me with a title like that, I should say something to class up the blog. Did I mention Weezie and I drive Jesus mobiles in an effort to combat our penchant for cursing and flipping stupid people off? You’d be surprised how well it works, sometimes. Also I would be remiss if I didn’t warn you not to tell my wicked hot, overprotective nephew, Jarrod that I was smoking. He would beat my ass.

Can you believe I got carded at Borders buying hair magazines? What is that all about? Do I look like I am into creepy porn or credit card fraud? Then I actually wasted my time trying to get my mother’s opinion on something. You haven’t met my mother, but if you had you would know that entailed a 45 minute conversation about nothing that didn’t even have the courtesy to be funny, just tedious, followed by her hanging up without answering me. Why do I bother?????

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to date a drug dealer, discover you may have slept with your brother, and make out with your archenemy all while solving your best friend’s murder in a town where most people consider you public enemy #1? I told you you should have watched Veronica Mars.

Meanwhile I am having a meltdown over hair. To cut or not to cut? Bangs or no bangs? Decisions, decisions. I mean Lilly didn’t have bangs or layers and look how she turned out. I am panicking. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet I keep telling myself, “For God’s sake cut the cord! It is just hair. Get over it; it will grow back. It took less than 5 years to grow it out from nothing.” I know; I am pathetic.

I should take this opportunity to apologize to my friends Matt and Weezie. In my defense, it was the middle of the night, but that is still no excuse for using the word topical in a sentence that didn’t describe a cure for Athlete’s Foot (shudder). {Note to self: in future correspondence, try words like timely, they sound much less disgusting}

On to my alleged humor…I would say I have a rapier wit, but there is really no way to prove it-kind of like if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it does it make a sound? I know I said I am inappropriate, but the first hilarious thing I thought of today happened while my husband was in the shower. Since most of you are friends and family, I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say I crack myself up, and you would have laughed too had you been there. How weird would that have been? I need a nap. You can’t stay up all night fucking around on the computer and watching Veronica and Logan make out, and then be humorous at 8 am. Trust me. But that shower thing just came naturally. ROTFWL…………Good Times.

I can’t sleep and I am sick of message boards, so here I am changing the format of this site yet again. I am also well past tired of being snarky about stupid shit, so welcome inside my head. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I am unemployed, angry and opinionated, not to mention incredibly funny, inappropriate, and hot. Well I guess the last three of those are a matter of opinion. Anyway, I laugh, a lot, especially when I am with my niece, Weezie. We share a brain and apparently most major life experiences as well, even though we live 900 miles apart (she does have a job though). We both have pain in the ass husbands we are totally in love with yet utterly perplexed by. We both have long bouts with lingering doubts, insane thoughts constantly running through our heads and seriously fucked-up views of the world and yet people still say they want to be us. We are torn between our devotion and loyalty and our general desire to rule the world through utter coolness and popularity. Bet you can’t guess which one is winning? Ultimately we are both good people with really bad attitudes who think of ourselves as really bad people with even worse attitudes. Can you say Catholic guilt? Yet I wouldn’t change it for the world. Actually, I have had my fair share of chances, but I always end up right back here, in personal banishment. Usually, I am pretty happy about it except I am always getting myself in trouble, damn my big mouth! Did I mention I can’t lie? I am terrible at it, always have been. But I am a decent actor which is weird because acting is one big lie, but as long as I am pretending to be someone else, I guess it works. Maybe that is my problem I don’t know where the acting ends and the living begins.

I started this blog as a young pup ready to take on the idiots of the world, but as it turns out we are all idiots. I just seem to end up on the right side of the argument most of the time. What can I say; the definition of actor is egomaniac. And so it begins…the crazy journey into my mind. So, your homework for this evening is to watch Veronica Mars! I know, where’d that come from? I told you my mind was a scary place! My husband says I am obsessed, but since my friend committed suicide, it has really been the only bright spot of my summer, watching bootleg downloads (of a DVD I preordered) with Weezie for 22 hours straight. All right we took a FEW breaks. I promise you, the show is that good, and if you aren’t into downloads and can’t wait until October 11th, check out Television Without Pity. On second thought, check it out anyway. You owe it to yourself. Couch Baron will knock your socks off. He left me wondering if I am secretly a 35 year old “super fine” guy from New York. Well not so much, but he does share a lot of my opinions on the show, and he is masterful at being snarky which kinda makes him my hero. Me, I’m still working on my attitude; I need a little less bitch and a little more finesse. Every girl has to have a dream….

Tomasina is a cashier at my local Wal-mart. She is polite, helpful and kind, so obviously she didn’t get the corporate memo on incompetence as a way to see how much shit people will deal with and still come back. Yesterday I went to Wal-mart and ended up in Tomasina’s line. I didn’t do it on purpose, but her line is always the one moving the fastest. I really don’t see how it is the postal employees who get the reputation for going crazy and shooting people because if I had to deal with what she deals with not only would I be angry and unhelpful; I would probably end up shooting someone.

It was almost time for her break, so she switched off her light. There was a group in front of me, then myself, and a lady behind me. Several minutes later a couple other groups came up and Tomasina politely told them she was closed and most of them went away. One lady just stayed there. Tomasina repeated herself, “Ma’am, I am sorry, but I am closed”. Still, one lady remained in line even though Tomasina light was off well before she approached the counter.

Then Tomasina became distracted by the group in front of me. They had no idea how much the stuff in their cart cost and needed a subtotal after every item scanned. Of course, they ended up putting back half the items in the cart, but Tomasina just smiled. When she looked up, she noticed the lady was still at the back of the line, so she said again” Ma’am, I am closed”. The lady looked around to her left and right, never thinking she was the problem. I looked at her and said, “She is speaking to you”! Still nothing… Then I said to Tomasina, “I know she heard you; she is just ignoring you”. She said,” I know, it happens everyday, then they get mad when we just walk away, but our manager says to just close up an walk away.”

Distraction again the group’s total came to $50.12 and they only had $50.00 on a MasterCard gift card. They were in a panic that the $.12 would overdraw their account. Never fear, Tomasina to the rescue. With that all settled, Tomasina turned to me and my purchases, once again she said to the lady, “Ma’am, I am closed”. Finally close enough, the lady proceeded to place her cart load on the conveyor belt. I was appalled. Tomasina wasn’t happy but she did nothing. I am telling you, this is about the time I would have picked up that post office issued gun and pointed it right at her and said, “What part of I’m closed don’t you understand, get your shit and get away from my register”. Not Tomasina, I didn’t stick around to see what she would do. She could have walked away, but I doubt it. I am sure she helped the lady anyway. I think that makes her a better person than me, than most of us actually because knowing Tomasina, she did it with a smile.

Have you seen those new John Kerry ads where John Kerry comes on to “Talk to America”? You know, the one where he is looking right at the camera, and you are waiting for him to dispense some kind of great knowledge, and the first thing out of is mouth is, “I’m John Kerry and I approved this message”. All I can think is, no way, you’ve got to be kidding, I thought it was a giant puppet made to look and sound like John Kerry, but operated by some radical Republican sect just to make him look bad. I understand the importance of these statements when they accompany ads that feature clips or sound bites, but is it really necessary to endorse the words coming directly out of your mouth? I have learned my lesson about assuming, but seriously have we gotten to the point where carefully crafted speeches can not be attributed to their speaker without him first saying he approves of his own statements? This does not inspire confidence in Kerry’s ability to think on his feet. I mean, how can we trust a man who had hours if not days to rehearse and tape the exact message he wanted America to hear and he wasted at least 3 seconds of precious airtime telling me he approves of what he is saying? No shit, Sherlock. Look, I don’t care what side of the line you come down on, like Kerry or hate him, embrace Bush or oust him, but you have to admit, it is really sad and a little bit funny that we have a come to a point in time where a candidate has to tell us he approves his own words before he speaks them.

And now for today’s moron report…

Let’s hear it for Pamela Anderson who after sporting a pricey pair of trendy Ugg boots has vowed never to wear them again (at least not the real ones). It seems the famous PETA supporter was blissfully unaware the Australian sheepskin boots were actually made from REAL sheepskin when she was photographed wearing them in Los Angeles last month. Newly outraged by this fashion trend, she is reportedly developing a line of “faux” uggs that are animal friendly. This just brings to mind a couple of questions. First, what did she think Australian Sheepskin boots were made from? And second, what will she do with the pair she was already photographed wearing? I know, maybe she could auction them off for charity. Wait, no, PETA would never go for that. I guess the only option she has left is to throw red paint on them in an angry protest against her own support of “animal cruelty”. Ah well, I guess it is no big loss anyway, Ugg boots are one ugly fashion trend.

Let me start by saying we have let Lord Luther and the rest of you freaks rule the roost around here for far too long, and for that we sincerely apologize. It was a fun experiment while it lasted, but now, I, too, am bored.

Now, on with the show…

So, Janet Jackson exposed her breast to the world at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Big Deal! I guess I missed the boat somehow. I am supposed to join together with concerned parents and offended viewers who are up in arms about what they were “forced to view” during this “wholesome, family event”. What? Did you say wholesome? Since when is football wholesome family entertainment? By nature, it is a game where one group of guys knocks the shit out of another group of guys. It is a sport of aggression capped off by trash talk. Don’t believe me? Tally up the number of times the camera captured various players dropping f-bombs, screaming sh*t, son of a bitch or take that motherf*cker in last night’s game. Yeah, you’ll have to read lips, but trust me, kids aren’t stupid. They can spot a bad word a mile away.

Personally, I am more offended by Grandpa tripping Grandma and throwing her to the ground for a bag of Lays Potato Chips than I will ever be about an obvious publicity stunt that clearly worked. What I really want to know is, have none of you whining people heard the lyrics to any of Justin, Janet, Nelly, P. Diddy or for that matter Kid Rock’s songs? If you consider yourself concerned parents and citizens, you should have.

You can be mad at the network for airing it, or at the NFL for allowing it, or at MTV for booking and sponsoring it, but you can not ask me to believe you didn’t expect something like this to happen. Not only is it the current trend in pop culture, it is clearly spelled out in the lyrics of Justin’s most popular song (coincidentally, the one he was performing last night when the “shocking” incident took place), “bet I have you naked (nekkid) by the end of this song”. And surprise, surprise, he did, just as he had promised. In a million years, I never would have guessed he would pull a stunt like that. I mean it is not even completely obvious or anything.

As for Justin needing to apologize to Ms. Jackson (or anyone else for that matter) for revealing her breast, I say, oh p-lease! It was not an accident, a “wardrobe malfunction”, or a surprise. Janet Jackson is not about to let anyone including Justin Timberlake expose her breast without her knowledge and consent, certainly not while wearing her trusty sunburst nipple ring. Give me a break. One good publicity stunt spawns another.

The real shame here is no one is talking about one the most interesting Super Bowl games in years. Worse yet, no one is even mentioning Jake Delhomme’s record setting 85 yard touchdown pass on a 3rd and 10 play. These are the things America should be riveted by, not the scandal de jour soon to be one-upped by next week’s Grammy Awards.

OK, to everyone who insists upon telling us how beautiful and nice and fun and pretty and real and wonderful J Lo is, guess what? I DON’T CARE! I don’t hate her, I don’t like her, and I DON’T KNOW HER, so why should I care what she and Ben Affleck are doing? Are they doing anything for me? I don’t think so, so, once again, I do not care. I don’t know how to make it clear enough that I don’t care, so I’m asking–begging, pleading–that we talk about something else on this web site. The authors of Randthought do not need another person to tell us the same thing about how beautiful J Lo is, how nice she is–by the way, how do all you people know how nice she is?– and how you want to be J Lo because someone else has already told us more than once, though most of it was almost completely unintelligible. I really do not care…AT ALL.

I considered not commenting on the Kobe Bryant case because I don’t know what happened on that night in Colorado and regardless of my personal beliefs on the subject; it is not up to me to speculate. I do have an opinion, but without the facts, I can not say for certain whether or not the charges are valid.

What I can say is the media circus surrounding the case is absurd. You can barely get any news media to cover an attack of this nature when the accused is unknown, but the endless drudgery of the details of the personal lives of both the alleged victim and Mr. Bryant is out of control. How can either of them get a fair trial when the media has already made up most people’s minds for them?

Call me naive, but I still have faith in the system. I guess the big problem now is that system depends on the right of the accused to face his accuser. The last couple of days, there have been countless internet polls and radio talk shows debating the appropriateness of the disclosure of the Colorado victim’s name.

I don’t see how this can be wrong or inappropriate unless the victim is underage. To me, it doesn’t matter whether her allegations are true or not, I truly don’t want to see her name dragged through the mud, but honestly, how could you ever think you could make that type of allegation and remain anonymous? Even when you are accusing a local Joe, your name becomes a matter of public record. But when you are the alleged victim of a famous NBA player as popular as Kobe Bryant, your life is bound to be scrutinized and your identity revealed.

I am not saying the media attention, public speculation and death threats are justified. Personally, I find them disgusting, but unfortunately in today’s culture it is to be expected. I can’t say I am surprised and I would have a hard time believing anyone who tried to convince me they were. I don’t pretend to know the solution, and I certainly don’t envy this woman’s position, but I have to say I support her name being a part of public record. Ultimately, we will entrust 12 of our fellow citizens to sort this out on our behalf even if we never know the real truth surrounding the events of that night.

I keep hearing all this talking about Hunting for Bambi in Las Vegas and how terrible it is. Every news outlet from the radio to web has run a story on how shocked and appalled I should be. Why?

No one kidnapped these women and forced them to participate. They are being “hunted” with paint guns, which stings, but it won’t kill or mame them. The company even claims the hunters can’t aim or hit above the waist, so what is the big deal? Why should I care if it is demeaning?

I am not a big fan of porn or strip clubs either. Personally I find them disgusting, but just because I am not interested in that type of thing doesn’t mean I am going to stop others from doing it.

Basically, if you are a woman and you are willing to run naked through the woods and let men hunt you with a paint gun, I think you have serious issues and should probably seek therapy or an easier way to earn $1000. If you are a man who gets off on this activity or think it sounds like a really fun sport, you are probably, scratch that, definitely a freak. But hey, more power to you, if you are willing to pay some girl to let you hunt her and she has no problem accepting your payment; so much the better. Who am I to say you can’t? It is the American way; we are even free to do really stupid things with our time and money.